What's that noise?
Have you ever had noisy neighbours? I'm not talking the mow-the-lawn-at-6am-on-Sunday kinda noisy. Or the drag-the-wheelie-bin-over-gravel-at-2am noisy. I've had both of those kind. I'm talking the kind of neighbours who have very, very loud sex. The kind of sex that rattles the window panes and makes your cats hide under the bed in terror.
Back in my single days, when I was living in a flat, I had neighbours like that. Weirdly enough, I wasn't conscious of it for a while. Maybe my brain filtered it out, or I thought it was someone's TV. It only came to my attention after being pointed out by my 75 year old landlord, who lived above me. I was innocently washing my car one afternoon when he sidled up to me with something obviously on his mind.
Landlord: "Afternoon."
Bonestorm: "Hiya."
Landlord: "Have you heard some noises coming from number 6?" Number 6 is at the opposite end of the complex to me.
Bonestorm: "No, not really."
Landlord: "It sounds like a woman orgasming."
Bonestorm: "I'm not really sure what that sounds like." It had been a long time between encounters for me at this point.
Landlord: "Hmm. Well, keep an ear out for it."
Strangely enough, after that, I heard it all the time, even in my living room at the opposite end of the complex. And the old guy was right, it did sound suspiciously like a woman orgasming. For 40 minutes at a time.
A friend of mine has a similar story from when he was living in a complex in Victoria. The couple in question were an interesting combination - the guy, according to ex girlfriends, had a notoriously small penis (he once asked my friend "Hey, do you find that condoms are always falling off?"). The girl was a screamer who could be heard half a block away during sex, which begged the question of whether she was easily satisfied or merely a faker.
I wonder, do these people realise how loud they are? Either they don't realise, or they don't care, or they're doing it on purpose as a form of exhibitionism. Maybe they know it's loud but they just can't hold back. I never did get around to asking my neighbours which category they fell into.
Back in my single days, when I was living in a flat, I had neighbours like that. Weirdly enough, I wasn't conscious of it for a while. Maybe my brain filtered it out, or I thought it was someone's TV. It only came to my attention after being pointed out by my 75 year old landlord, who lived above me. I was innocently washing my car one afternoon when he sidled up to me with something obviously on his mind.
Landlord: "Afternoon."
Bonestorm: "Hiya."
Landlord:
Bonestorm: "No, not really."
Landlord:
Bonestorm: "I'm not really sure what that sounds like." It had been a long time between encounters for me at this point.
Landlord: "Hmm. Well, keep an ear out for it."
Strangely enough, after that, I heard it all the time, even in my living room at the opposite end of the complex. And the old guy was right, it did sound suspiciously like a woman orgasming. For 40 minutes at a time.
A friend of mine has a similar story from when he was living in a complex in Victoria. The couple in question were an interesting combination - the guy, according to ex girlfriends, had a notoriously small penis (he once asked my friend "Hey, do you find that condoms are always falling off?"). The girl was a screamer who could be heard half a block away during sex, which begged the question of whether she was easily satisfied or merely a faker.
I wonder, do these people realise how loud they are? Either they don't realise, or they don't care, or they're doing it on purpose as a form of exhibitionism. Maybe they know it's loud but they just can't hold back. I never did get around to asking my neighbours which category they fell into.
It is funny you bring this up because the bloke who live opposite us has his Girlfriend over sometimes and you can hear the Rooting, Tooting, Shooting.
It doesn't worry me and I tend to yell out "Fuck Da Bitch Yeah!"
As for the small penis guy well maybe he has the Tongue of Gene Simmons / Steve Tyler type proportions which makes it easy to please the ladies.
Posted by
Huggies |
11:31 AM
lol! You've just reminded me of an hillarious incident involving neighbour sex whilst living in my last house. I'll save this for my own blog entry.
The faker probably rented the wrong type of adult film. OTT - you'd be like "surely this isn't me?"
Posted by
matt of comooxdom |
7:03 PM
hahaha poor guy. Maybe you should make them a gift of a loudspeaker with a little note attached: anything worth doing is worth doing properly... ;)
Posted by
MadameBoffin |
12:26 PM
Huggies: lol, good call. Nice to hear you rooting for them. Pun intended.
Matt: I look forward to hearing that in your usual humourous style.
Boff: or maybe the next step is a webcam so they can really develop a serious audience. :p
Posted by
Bonestorm |
2:18 PM
"I never did get around to asking my neighbours which category they fell into."
That would have been a funny conversation to have one evening if you invited them around for a dinner party.
Posted by
Citizen_Stu |
2:33 AM
YES the bastards so i named and shamed them by blogging about it! Ultimately it was the loud death metal i played against the wall that eventually turned them off!
Posted by
Mary Mittens |
5:16 AM